Walleyes Forever |
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After a hard day of catching no fish, it's a lot of work to come up with fresh excuses for why you didn't catch 'em. Here's a tool that's truly helpful -- a Fishing Excuse Creator. Just click the button until you find an excuse you like, then try to pass it off as your alibi when you talk to your fishing friends. |
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One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish." The husband replied, "Yes, yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't fish," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money on duck decoys or hunting gear, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt." A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, Dr Buck pulled out his stethoscope and placed the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "Im's sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What"? screamed the man. "How can you tell"? "You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion." With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadily shook his head and said, "Bark." The vet then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow". He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The Vet said, "I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can do" and handed the man a bill for $600.00. The dog's owner went postal...."$600.00! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" The Doc shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have cost you $50.00, but with the Lab work and Cat scan........." The wind is faster than your truck Every other vehicle is a 4x4 When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat In March your vehicle is 43% mud You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's still there You installed your new computer using a leatherman tool You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick" The elevation exceeds the population You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you You can see the stars at night People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals A girls' basketball game fills the gym You slept through the night unawakened by a siren A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough Yellow light means "follow the car in front of you no matter what" Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck You talk about a combine and people don't wonder what you are putting together In the spring every tenth car you pass is a tractor Someone says manure spreader and you know it isn't the local congressman When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk You can actually pronounce the City's name Glasgow (Glasgo) without calling it Glascow Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicles "jockey box" You can choose plastic bags or a paper sacks for your groceries You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Montana friends |
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(Editor's note: No, we have nothing against blondes or blonde women who happen to live on ranches. This bit of humor could have poked fun at anybody - North Dakotans, for example. But I've seen some of the guys from North Dakota and they're a lot bigger, meaner and have bigger, meaner boats than me. No, we don't poke fun at North Dakotans - not when I'm likely to bump into them out on Fort Peck.) Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull, so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." . The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, 'comfortable'?" . The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly." . |
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Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Now remember, this came to us as being a true story. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. |
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Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark this spot so we can come back and catch more fish." Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large "X". Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back tomorrow to catch more fish. Ole said, "Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going to get da same boat tomorrow?" |
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Back in the days when Catholics could eat no meat other than fish on Fridays, Ole moved up north and discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!" Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of grilled deer steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut, "now you are a walleye." |
